


Personal Assistant

by IAmAllYetNotAtAll



Series: Spideypool Bingo 2020 [1]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, M/M, Spideypool - Freeform, Spideypool Bingo 2020, Square: Personal Assistant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:40:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22534882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IAmAllYetNotAtAll/pseuds/IAmAllYetNotAtAll
Summary: Wade's hiring a new Personal Assistant. Unfortunately, his best applicant is also the hottest one.
Relationships: Peter Parker/Wade Wilson
Series: Spideypool Bingo 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1621408
Comments: 9
Kudos: 337





	Personal Assistant

**Author's Note:**

> My first square for the 'Spideybool Bingo 2020'! My card can be found on my Tumblr, my URL is the same as here; IAmAllYetNotAtAll. 
> 
> Square: Personal Assistant
> 
> I'll link anything for the Bingo together in a series, and I'll also be participating in the MCUKingBingo which I believe I will mostly write Spideypool for. 
> 
> Cheers :)

"Alright, Josh-"

"Jeremy."

"The most important question. Dogs or cats?"

"Um... I'm sorry, Mr. Wilson, but I'm uncertain how this is relevant to the position?"

The young man, twenty-four or twenty-seven? - Wade's not keeping track - is tightly gripping the chair's armrests and his face and neck are red and sweaty from anxiety. His foot is tapping the carpeted floor and Wade had known instantly he wasn't going to hire this guy but decided to go through the motions anyway.

"It's relevant because I asked the question. Here at X-Force we take our interviews very seriously, and if you want to be a part of America's top choice for weapon engraving and blade design, I would suggest you answer wisely."

"I'm allergic to fur, sir. I have no preference between cats or dogs. I like fish; they're neat."

That won't do at all.

"Thank you for your time." Wade stands and holds out his hand.

Josh-Jeremy's hand is sweaty when he shakes it and Wade subtly wipes it on his pants as he sits back down.

"We'll be in touch," he lies and calls out to the receptionist outside his office. "Nessa!"

His office is three glass walls and a third-story window facing the abandoned building next door. He can clearly see Vanessa hang up her phone, probably talking to boytoy of the day and he wishes he were as sexually active as she is but everyone is so _dull_ , and she rolls her eyes very pointedly in his direction. She comes up, opens his door, and ushers out the poor soul. He drops the resume and cover letter in his garbage can for someone to fish out later to put in the recycling.

He makes enough money from the front of his business and the stuff that happens behind closed doors to pay his staff well and no one complains about cleaning up after him.

The pile on his desk is getting smaller and smaller and he takes out the next one to look over before Vanessa sends them in.

_'Peter B. Parker'_ is the name and that gets him a point already. He loves alliterations.

Masters in Physics, an internship with Doctor Octavius (before he went off about doomsday and tried to bomb Oscorp - even Wade knows about that and he steers clear of that side of the black market). Fluent in English and Spanish, a list of coding and various computer skills, and one very hot profile pic on Facebook. What this Peter person could want from a Personal Assistant job at a weapon engraving business is lost on Wade.

A smarty pants like this is way overqualified for boring paperwork, pushing pencils, and running his errands.

Wade is very excited to hire someone to do all the work he doesn't want to do so he can focus on the parts of his business that actually make him money.

"Boss, I have Peter Parker for you," Vanessa tells him through the little comm on his desk she insisted he install so she doesn't have to get up and see him. She mostly uses it to test out new pickup lines and to rehearse what to tell her mother when she asks why she isn't married yet.

"Send him in," he replies.

He closes the Facebook page and looks up. The applicant is nearing his glass box and hell. He's hotter in person.

There's a nerd aesthetic going on with the thick-rimmed glasses and the suit that doesn't quite fit right. His hair is slicked back and it's fluffing from humidity, his lips are bitten red and his blue eyes are wide and honest and a touch confident; he's delectable enough to eat whole.

Nessa doesn't bring him in, only points him in the right direction. Peter walks right in with a bright smile and stops in front of the desk. He leans forward and presents his hand to shake.

Wade stands and instantly knows he's in for one hell of a ride. Peter's eyes rake him up and down and that's all the confirmation Wade needs to know they're playing even. His eyes flick up with a slight hint of guilt from being caught, but his handshake is still firm. It's playtime.

"Hello, Mr. Parker. It's nice to meet you. I'm Wade Wilson. Please call me Wade."

"Thank you for having me."

Maybe later, he thinks. Hopefully later.

"Take a seat," he instructs and sits back in his plush leather chair. He crosses his legs and reaches out for his notepad. He sets it in his lap and taps his pink feathery pencil against the blank page. "My interviews are quick and to the point. I ask you a question, and you answer. Simple enough, right?"

"Yes, sir."

Being called 'sir' has never made his toes tingle quite like this. Should he have Nessa turn up the A/C? His office feels warmer than it was a few minutes ago.

"We'll start off easy. What's your favourite Disney movie?"

"Treasure Planet," Peter responds without hesitation.

Another point.

"Great choice. Best gaming console ever?"

"Gamecube."

Another point.

"If you were a pokemon, which one would you be?"

"Hm..." Peter pauses as he thinks and decides on, "Butterfree."

"I can see that."

Peter stares at him curiously as he writes on his paper, but he doesn't say anything and that's another point. Damn.

"Okay, what's your zodiac sign?"

"Leo," he says and asks with a cheeky smile, "does that make us compatible? In a work setting, of course."

"Of course," he agrees. "That makes us very compatible."

"I see." Peter's smile doesn't waver. His eyes move slightly down and Wade licks his lips without much thought. 

He shouldn't be sending signals to a potential future employee. Fuck.

"Next," he stares at the page that doesn't actually hold any interview questions and tries to get inspiration that isn't 'favourite position' or 'are you into voyeurism because I want to bend you over this desk right now'. He's sure Vanessa would appreciate the show. "PC or Mac?"

"PC. And Starkphone, if that's further down the list of questions."

A point. Suppose he can make it a point and a half.

"Rank the Golden Girls from best to worst."

"Oh." Peter's eyes widen, finally stumped. His smile turns sheepish, "I'm sorry, but I'm not very familiar with the show."

Wade tsks and shakes his head, pen gliding on his notepad, "And you were so close to perfect."

Peter laughs, hand moving to cover his mouth in some semblance of insecurity and Wade wands to move it and replace it with his lips. Or any number of things, honestly.

"It was a trick question anyway. Dorothy is the best and the other three are tied for second."

"I'll take your word for it."

"Last question, and this one's most important. You ready?"

"Go for it."

"What's your Hogwarts house?"

"I'm a proud Hufflepuff."

"Is that Pottermore or some Buzzfeed bullshit?"

"Pottermore," Peter says with laughter in his words.

Wade knows deep down that X-Force, and its real work, are not fit for any Hufflepuff. He stares down at his notepad and also knows that Peter is crazy qualified for most things including a PA job and would do it really damn well. The cutie's quick and fun and his smile is nice and he'd fit in well among his assortment of oddballs.

"Oh, suppose I should ask. Dogs or cats?"

"This might be a dealbreaker, but I have to be honest. I'm one of those weirdos with no preference. I think they're both adorable."

"You can get half a point for that," Wade says.

"Is that how this works? A point system?"

"Only the best from X-Force."

At this point, he doesn't know if the points are for employability or fuckability and his body is very confused about it.

"And my Patronus is a wild rabbit."

"Cute." Wade sets down his pen and leans back in his seat. "Alright, let's get real. We've got two options here, and it's up to you how we proceed."

"Okay..." Peter hesitantly agrees.

"First option. You're obviously way overqualified, and I have no idea why you'd even apply for a PA job, but I frankly don't care enough to ask for your life story. Of all the candidates I've interviewed today, you're the best for the role. It's yours if you want it."

"What's option two?" Peter asks. His eyes wander and Wade swallows thickly.

"You can take option one and that's that," Wade offers an out, but Peter isn't deterred.

"I want to know about option two."

"I don't fuck my employees," Wade says plainly. "I'm DTF and I think you might be too, so if you want to go that route I'm super into it but I won't hire you. If you want the job, I can be professional, but if you're having second thoughts... well."

"I have an interview tomorrow for something a bit more in my field, and I mostly just applied to get my Aunt off my back about getting a new job after all that stuff with Dr. Octavius. Um." Peter's hand lifts from his lap and he points vaguely toward the doorway, "Also because I live like two blocks away. If you wanted to, uh, know that."

It's incredibly not subtle but Wade's entire body warms at the clear invitation. His suit's getting stuffy and a bit tighter than it was earlier. There's still five hours to his workday but fuck it.

The two men stare at each other for a silent minute as if this is even a debate.

Wade stands and sets down the notepad, "No time like the present and all that BS, right?"

Peter smiles brightly and it makes his eyes shine and Wade has a desperate need to hear that voice moan his name. He follows Wade's lead and stands too, "Agreed." He glances down at the notepad and can only laugh.

The page only consists of a drawn unicorn surrounded by flowers.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> PS: I googled the compatibility of Leo and Sagittarius (Wade's sign) and apparently they actually are compatible. Go figure. 
> 
> I will also die on the Hufflepuff!Peter hill. Don't at me, brah.


End file.
